Panic

How do I describe the panic rising from my gut when I realise that what I've been working towards for 4 years is perhaps not what I want after all? And how do I even attempt to define myself in a different way from how I've perceived myself the last 4 years?

Being a lawyer has always been the end goal, but not an end goal that fills me with passion or joy. But this has not really bugged me till lately. Till PLC. PLC - The dreaded acronym. During PLC I've learnt how to write countless letters, I've learnt countless procedures and provisions and procedural laws, but what do I glean from it? It's a process that leads up to the culmination in May - when I can finally become a full-fledged lawyer. But is this what I am really driven to do? Already I know that I won't be practising for the rest of my life. Law has always been my default choice, but more and more, I see myself thinking, analysing and behaving like what a lawyer should be. I have become ingrained into the culture. Already I find myself becoming more superficial, more image and brand conscious. Call that part of growing up and entering the workforce, but I think it affects lawyers more than other professions.

Today, as my tutor was speaking of how law was not his original choice, and how the life of a lawyer is really tough, of how little and precious yr private time to yourself becomes, it suddenly dawned on me that I'm wasting my time here. I really don't want to be a lawyer. I just don't know what else to do. What other avenues are open to me???

I can't even define this dissatisfaction with law. I just know that in my gut, deep down somewhere, I'm uneasy and unsettled. I cannot settle or feel at peace with myself as some of my peers are about being a lawyer. I know many who are resigned, who know there is nothing else that they can do well, so why bother. But I need the passion to keep going forward, otherwise what else is there besides a machine?

And God does not speak. Or at least, maybe I'm just not hungry enough to hear from Him. Maybe I'm spiritually dull. I am experiencing a sense of apathy, of not caring what will happen, of willing away the days and not being bothered about it. Isn't it ironic to be so disturbed about ennui and not being able to rise up and make some changes?