HMMPH!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
blah
I'm feeling really really down. I think it's the fact that when I look around, everyone is moving on as the years go on. Everyone is moving onto the different phases of life - settling down, growing in their ministries, building families, etc. And there's always some improvement or some upgrade in their lives when we meet up. I look back and it's only been a few years since I entered into university, but already so many things have happened.
But I find myself reaching some plateau. I'm not moving in. I'm stuck in traction. Maybe it's the CNY blues, the fact that I have more free time on my hands this period is probably not a good thing. I don't want to live only for the present. I want to live for a tomorrow. And I like to think that the next day is painted with hope. But it never ever is.
Haha, and frivolous it may seem, surfing friendster.com is also not a good thing. I see the lives of my friends constantly changing. New updates all the time.
When I meet friends, they always ask, "any updates? what's new?" And I always shrug the shoulders: "Same old, nothing has changed." And at that moment, I always feel a sense of loss and defeatism.
Yes, I'm feeling very defeated. Stuck. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't feel God is helping me very much.
I want to move on.
But I find myself reaching some plateau. I'm not moving in. I'm stuck in traction. Maybe it's the CNY blues, the fact that I have more free time on my hands this period is probably not a good thing. I don't want to live only for the present. I want to live for a tomorrow. And I like to think that the next day is painted with hope. But it never ever is.
Haha, and frivolous it may seem, surfing friendster.com is also not a good thing. I see the lives of my friends constantly changing. New updates all the time.
When I meet friends, they always ask, "any updates? what's new?" And I always shrug the shoulders: "Same old, nothing has changed." And at that moment, I always feel a sense of loss and defeatism.
Yes, I'm feeling very defeated. Stuck. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't feel God is helping me very much.
I want to move on.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
My heart does beat a little faster when I think about this. But maybe I'm just setting myself up for raw disappointment again? Maybe I'm presenting a biased view of the facts?
I should be taking charge of my own life, instead of waiting ardently at the benches for my train to come.
But I don't dare. I'm too proud.
I should be taking charge of my own life, instead of waiting ardently at the benches for my train to come.
But I don't dare. I'm too proud.
Dumb for days
Yes, I am officially dumb. I can't talk. I can only whisper... I can't even croak.
As a result, I can't speak to clients. Joleen, my secretary, has to talk to them on the phone for me, while I sadly type out my response. She then reads out my response to the sympathetic client/solicitor at the other end of the line. I never felt so helpless and reliant on others since I was a kid.
I can't even order food... I can't order anything that requires stating the item that I need. So that means no coffee for me, nothing that I can't order by pointing to.
I get laughs and amused smiles when I whisper "I have no voice" to the person who is valiantly trying to converse with me. And when they do try to talk to me, all of them do it with soft inaudible tones too. I think they are influenced by my whispering. Honestly.
And I can't talk in certain settings because it's too loud to whisper. I can't plan lunch appointments because no one is going to want to talk to someone who can't talk back! Arrghh.
But I also see the nice caring sides of people. Of the random people who rally around offering me pipagao or suggest remedies to salve the throat. Of the kind pupil who passed me a box of Chinese lozenges, to the good friend who retrieved a whole jar of honey left from a Christmas gift for my own use.
I want my voice back!!! Grrrr....
(This week, I'll have a shot at being dumb AND being blind since I'm going for LASIK on thursday and Friday... pray for me!!!)
As a result, I can't speak to clients. Joleen, my secretary, has to talk to them on the phone for me, while I sadly type out my response. She then reads out my response to the sympathetic client/solicitor at the other end of the line. I never felt so helpless and reliant on others since I was a kid.
I can't even order food... I can't order anything that requires stating the item that I need. So that means no coffee for me, nothing that I can't order by pointing to.
I get laughs and amused smiles when I whisper "I have no voice" to the person who is valiantly trying to converse with me. And when they do try to talk to me, all of them do it with soft inaudible tones too. I think they are influenced by my whispering. Honestly.
And I can't talk in certain settings because it's too loud to whisper. I can't plan lunch appointments because no one is going to want to talk to someone who can't talk back! Arrghh.
But I also see the nice caring sides of people. Of the random people who rally around offering me pipagao or suggest remedies to salve the throat. Of the kind pupil who passed me a box of Chinese lozenges, to the good friend who retrieved a whole jar of honey left from a Christmas gift for my own use.
I want my voice back!!! Grrrr....
(This week, I'll have a shot at being dumb AND being blind since I'm going for LASIK on thursday and Friday... pray for me!!!)
Friday, February 02, 2007
Thursday, February 01, 2007
restless
I am getting a restless vibe. It's a feeling that something is just round the corner and I can't focus on the present because of it. It seems like something will be happening very soon. And I can't wait to find out what it is. Then again, maybe it's just a fleeting feeling, one that comes and goes. I can't explain it.
I can't sleep at night. I toss and turn and my heart is beating so loudly and quickly that I am incapable of rest. Insomnia has struck yet again.
I am also irrationally happy. I can't explain it. And I don't know what it is. But it's really distracting me from my surroundings, and making me incapable of focusing.
Maybe it's the monotony that has hit just a bit too hard. It has hit so hard that now it has resulted in my construction of an anticipation or expectation that 2007 will bring something more soon. It's making me wait and wonder. For nothing. The ennui has become a false high. Does that make sense?!
I can't sleep at night. I toss and turn and my heart is beating so loudly and quickly that I am incapable of rest. Insomnia has struck yet again.
I am also irrationally happy. I can't explain it. And I don't know what it is. But it's really distracting me from my surroundings, and making me incapable of focusing.
Maybe it's the monotony that has hit just a bit too hard. It has hit so hard that now it has resulted in my construction of an anticipation or expectation that 2007 will bring something more soon. It's making me wait and wonder. For nothing. The ennui has become a false high. Does that make sense?!
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