Bleak mood

It was very surreal going back to the workplace on Monday. Like a parallel reality. After a weekend spent in the most unnatural setting witnessing something out of the natural order, going back to the normal routine became the rude shock to the system. Having to read cases, understanding the cases, processing the information, proved too much at one point.

And more mixed feelings entered the fray. Insecurities, realisations, awakenings... these bubbled to the surface. I started to doubt my friendships, started to distrust the people I considered close friends, wondered why my support system was so lacking, and I pointed the arrow at myself. Maybe the people I thought were my friends weren't my friends. Or, they were my friends but just innately incapable of reaching out.

Everything my spiritual family has built up has been shaken at the core. And yet, I sense that we will draw closer after this. It's an abrupt end but it's a reminder for us to live for NOW. No postponements, no more hesitations and no more taking others for granted. I'm going to appreciate people NOW. How many of us take our youth for granted? I take pride in the fact that I run, swim, play sports, and attempt to be active and dabble in varied interests. I like to think that I make full use of the energy God has blessed me with, but have I really really seized the day in the full sense of the term? Who is to say I am immune? Immediately I am reminded of Rachel.

The worst thing is that so many people I care about are affected by this. The heaviness and gloom on Sunday was simply unbearable.

And at the end of the day, I will leave with one phrase:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings.