Mugging keeps me in a very dull passive mode. I breathe, eat, sleep law. I don't think about anything else, except for the times when I seek divine intervention... Everthing else stands still or takes a back seat until I'm ready to face them again. Mealtimes out of the library are my only reprieve. Usually I'm fuelled by the idea that once the exams end, I'll be setting off for some exotic locale. Well, not this time!!! The parents and the sister are doing the setting off without me. This time, I'll be looking forward to returning to A&G... Woohoo!
It's not normal that I am thinking of returning to the firm as the end of life as I know it. It's like a death knell. Walking the green mile. I'm usually optimistic. Why am I feeling so much inertia and fear at this new chapter? Shouldn't I be feeling excited instead?
At the same time as these, came some doubts. Some personal doubts independent of my career woes. I can't dispel it. I hate having them. And it makes me numb. And it makes me question my God and what He has planned for me. And it makes me hate myself.
2 comments:
I wish i could say things like "Don't doubt! Believe in yourself" and it will work...But often life is not like that, is it? Who are we to say we can determine our own fate?
Your God, my God is to take care of tomorrow. All we have to worry about is today.What good does worrying do then to cause more worry. Pray for the trust you so seek. For remember he feeds the sparrows and clothes the lillies of the field; what more his own child.
Don't hate yourself...for you are beautiful in God's eyes. He first loved you in a worse condition than you are now. He has forgiven you. *smilez* =)
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