Insomnia

I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning in my bed all night. Trying to get into a settled calm state. Failing miserably. My mind is racing with plans for tomorrow, and the stress of wanting to wake up at 5am the next day to train. 30km to go and no sleep yet. I can feel the seconds racing away in my quest to find rest. How ironic.

I'm Jesslyn and I'm an Insomniac. Lately I only sleep when it comes naturally to me, around 4am. I know I have to sleep when the words on my book become hazy and I cannot concentrate. I don't usually switch off the lights and wait for sleep to befall. Until today.

I can't sleep. There are many reasons why... The day's events have been racing through my mind. Thoughts of the conversations that have happened today. Trying to analyse why exactly my sister and I always fight. It's sometimes me... And it's sometimes her, even if she may insist otherwise. Why do we always drive each other crazy? The memory of her voice makes me so incensed I feel like throwing something against the wall. It's this deep anger, this raging wrath at the thought of the many many times that I simply cannot quell. Every time I try to be rational and cool-headed, she will misunderstand my 'calm' and it will backfire on me. Every time she says something, it will just sound like a provocation and it'll pique me further. There doesn't seem to be room for compromise. And this bugs me. It's the layers of history that we share... and the underlying similarities and differences of our makeup. The conversations just run on and on like on shuffle mode. Each time I get angry again. I'm so tired.

I can't sleep, guilty because I haven't been spending time at home. I'm always on the go, doing something. When I'm home, my thoughts are far away. I get distracted. Are my priorities wrong? I think I'm being selfish. But how much of my self should I give? I have been impervious and probably cold to the people who love me. But I rarely notice it until it's too late.

I can't sleep because I'm trying to make a decision. It seems trivial, but I need to know how much of a repercussion it has on my relationship with God. Am I feeling guilty because it really impacts my ability to obey Him? Or am I succumbing because someone is trying to make me feel obligated to go?

Am I also drifting away from this God who has been so good to me? I was just flipping the recent issue of TIME and my eye caught this pic of a woman who has just passed away, eaten by AIDS and tuberculosis, her eyes half open and her head caressed by a relative. Her son is staring down at this worn, weatherbeaten face, once familiar and yet foreign because she is no longer there. My priorities have been so screwed. Where is God in the midst of such poverty, disease and evil? I want to believe. But it's so easy for me to believe because the world I know is good. People are beautiful, healthy, rich, smart... Things are going so well for me. This woman and her son are from another universe.

I can't sleep because I feel stressed. The exams are looming and I have no clue where to start. Forming an exam timetable in my head and mentally crossing out dates where I'll be occupied. I have a children's church encounter camp one weekend, cell group on thursdays, lindy hop on tuesdays, training for the marathon...