bugger... My New Year Resolution was tossed to the wind when I went into the shower yesterday morning. Forgot to shampoo, but did the whole conditioning thing. And I was wondering why my hair felt weird when I was blowdrying...

Yes, Mondays never start well. Especially after the high that most Sundays bring. Sundays have become somewhat routine nowadys, what with Touchkidz and then church and then the debate about what else to do on a nice Sunday afternoon. This time round, went out with Ady and Zach and watched Memoirs. The book is infinitely better. The whole world of the geisha cannot be fastforwarded and inserted into a 2 hr time slot. But there are parts I appreciate. I'm v visual, so watching scenes unfold in front of me help add a bit more to that world of geisha in my head. And I didn't fall asleep in the movie at all!!!!! The cinematography was beautiful, and the scenes are painted in grey muted tones that remind me of Tokyo when I visited. It must be all that rain.

My conversations with a group of two or more people often degenerate into a "suan" Jess fest. This was in a league of its own. Had the usual "I am dao, what's wrong?" dissection. Conclusion? "I can't do anything about it, so get on with it."

blah...apathy

got the results for my bar today. i passed. it was a very anticlimax moment because basically everyone passed. and since i wasn't aiming for the top 20 places, i wasn't feeling very excited about it. I couldn't even feel worried about the results. i suppose that's a good thing? it went like this:

Friend X: "good new, no one at A&G failed!!"
Me: "Oh."

there was tremendous apathy at the subcourts today. didn't feel like talking to people. didn't feel like asking people the random questions about how work was, how their weekend went, the typical small talk. it's amazing how i still fail to know myself. at times, i think that small talk and getting to know new people is my domain. superficiality has been my mainstay. at other times, i feel like i'm the odd one out. the antisocial one. having to go the extra mile to be friendly and obliging. what's wrong?

things have settled somewhat. i wake up, attempt to jog, go to work, work, go home. on weekends, i go out, go church, blah blah blah. what's next?

p.s. my coffee cravings have become an addiction. I was actually nodding off most of the morning because I was SO SLEEPY. Kept thinking of my mocha valencia from starbucks.

Bleak mood

It was very surreal going back to the workplace on Monday. Like a parallel reality. After a weekend spent in the most unnatural setting witnessing something out of the natural order, going back to the normal routine became the rude shock to the system. Having to read cases, understanding the cases, processing the information, proved too much at one point.

And more mixed feelings entered the fray. Insecurities, realisations, awakenings... these bubbled to the surface. I started to doubt my friendships, started to distrust the people I considered close friends, wondered why my support system was so lacking, and I pointed the arrow at myself. Maybe the people I thought were my friends weren't my friends. Or, they were my friends but just innately incapable of reaching out.

Everything my spiritual family has built up has been shaken at the core. And yet, I sense that we will draw closer after this. It's an abrupt end but it's a reminder for us to live for NOW. No postponements, no more hesitations and no more taking others for granted. I'm going to appreciate people NOW. How many of us take our youth for granted? I take pride in the fact that I run, swim, play sports, and attempt to be active and dabble in varied interests. I like to think that I make full use of the energy God has blessed me with, but have I really really seized the day in the full sense of the term? Who is to say I am immune? Immediately I am reminded of Rachel.

The worst thing is that so many people I care about are affected by this. The heaviness and gloom on Sunday was simply unbearable.

And at the end of the day, I will leave with one phrase:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings.

Shock and Lessons learnt

Lesson 1: The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

But my heart will choose to say
Blessed be His name

Incidentally, Zach said that very line to me and I burst out crying.

Lesson 2: Seize the day. Use the talents God has given to you wisely. No point saving them up for a rainy day, because who knows what the future holds?

God has His way, but we will only understand in His time.

*slurp*
Ok, this is actually the most viscous hot chocolate I've ever tasted, not coffee, but this is my ideal way to spend the afternoon... at a cafe, with a coffee or chocolate, whiling away the day with good conversation or a book... Cold weather is preferable.

When is the next time I can take time off to do this??!!

Coffee Buzz

Arrrggh. I'm on caffeine overdrive now. I've been frequenting Starbucks, Coffee Bean and Spinelli's regularly... It's always the mocha and its derivatives for me, thank you. Besides that, the nice pantry auntie always refills her coffee pot with fresh coffee, complete with condensed milk and a nice dash of milo. I've upgraded from 1 cup to about 2-3 cups a day. And I've only just started working!

The type of coffee is not only supposedly high in calories(Someone told me it was 400 per cup). But hahahaha... the coffee joint itself is a ripe target for anti-capitalists and terrorists!!! Recently, the central San Francisco joint was the target of a bomb attack. A bomb was found inside the outlet. Mmmm, but Starbucks is simply wonderful. I'm also a fan of all the various coffee joints in Australia. The Australians really know how to make a good brew. And they know how to twist their coffees for all the non-purists out there like me. Gloria Jean's, which has made a sad departure from the Singapore scene a while back, has a truffle ice-blend that is so sinful but so droolworthy. The other Australian joints, whose names I cannot recall now, also serve up some very tempting creations. To be back in Aussie land for a cuppa....... sigh. That's the stuff of dreams now. haha

That said, I'm surviving on artifical life support - caffeine. Without it, I would be lethargic, grumpy, sleepy, listless. And that's really scary, to think that I've become a coffee junkie. My highs have become HIGHS. And my lows have become even lower now! My life is already governed by extremes. THIS MUST CHANGE.

I'm sick and tired of waiting for things to happen all the time. What should I do?

Thank God the hectic weekend was over. And thank God for pulling me through this tiring week. Had to skip lunch and dinners and basically sat in front of the computer for 14 hrs, give and take the odd toilet break and the random joke in the pupils' room. Can feel my muscles in atrophy. But the weekend ended well.

I woke up on Saturday morning at precisely 645am, wondering what day of the week it was, my body ready to spring out of bed automatically. Then I remembered. And I felt really really happy.

I also picked up the Purpose Driven Life again, after abandoning it for a good 6 months. I feel really ignorant about so many things. I need to start reading and learning again, apart from law. Need to broaden my perspectives and stop looking inwards. And God said that trials are there to build us up and to mould us to become more like Him. I knew that from the start, but it was comforting to hear it again. All the issues that dog me for years really make sense. They are there to break me, to cast down my pride and to make me see my irrelevance without this God I serve. This will always be hard, especially when I compare myself to the others around me. And at the cinemas today and even walking along Marina Square with Zach yesterday, I felt a pinch of fear and sadness.

Heh, I'm going down the list of alternative occupations. Suddenly teaching doesn't seem so hard anymore. Cake baking ranks pretty high now too.

NY Resolutions

2 main resolutions this year...

1. I shall be more alert and more conscious about my surroundings. I need to be shrewder or sharper.

2. I have to stop putting up a face for the world.

Yup, just two. Plus the usual resolution to lose weight of course=)

First weekend of 2006

Just experienced the busiest weekend ever... Had last minute research shoved at me on Friday, just half hour before work was supposed to end. And there was the retreat. Plus the performance and the full dress rehearsals on Sunday. Then I had to start on the research right after the show. Things were happening fast and furious. But it was pretty exhilarating. It's far better than sitting and not having anything to do. It also marks the longest period that I've gone with less than 5.5 h sleep. I've been sleep-deprived since Dec 6 and I'm still counting. I should write a book on my experiences and get people to do tests on me. Perhaps the tests will show that I'm ageing at twice the pace of my sleep-nourished peers. Maybe I'm twice Lihui's age. haha.

Leisure is such a precious commodity now. I entered retreat feeling a little stunned at the weekend before me. But I was appreciative of the company, the comfort of having friends who try to understand. I also realise that my social circles are starting a seismic shift. Previously, my social circles revolved around school, around hall. Church was subsidiary. Older friends mattered a lot. Nowadays, I seem to be involved in church things more and more. Not everyone is familiar and intimate with me, but faces are imprinted in my mind now. If I'm going to be in this community, I better start getting to know the people around me better. I need to figure out where I want my primary community to be and engage more with them. The thing about church is that, we only engage with such a small sector of the network. I'm uncomfortable with small settings. It stifles me sometimes.

I'll be writing my thoughts on the retreat for the network website soon. Right now, I'll have to collect my thoughts and do some thinking for 2006!