Mugging keeps me in a very dull passive mode. I breathe, eat, sleep law. I don't think about anything else, except for the times when I seek divine intervention... Everthing else stands still or takes a back seat until I'm ready to face them again. Mealtimes out of the library are my only reprieve. Usually I'm fuelled by the idea that once the exams end, I'll be setting off for some exotic locale. Well, not this time!!! The parents and the sister are doing the setting off without me. This time, I'll be looking forward to returning to A&G... Woohoo!

It's not normal that I am thinking of returning to the firm as the end of life as I know it. It's like a death knell. Walking the green mile. I'm usually optimistic. Why am I feeling so much inertia and fear at this new chapter? Shouldn't I be feeling excited instead?

At the same time as these, came some doubts. Some personal doubts independent of my career woes. I can't dispel it. I hate having them. And it makes me numb. And it makes me question my God and what He has planned for me. And it makes me hate myself.

Trishaw Uncle

Walking towards the bus stop at Macpherson, I took my usual route, which meant crossing a small lane where the famous prawn noodle shop was and towards the little mama shop on the other side of the street. It was raining and I had my umbrella. Just then, the usual neighbourhood trishaw rider trundled down the road.

I've always seen him around, a grey-haired tanned man - not skinny, usual sized, v well-groomed with gelled back hair, with a gentlemanly air and a comb stuck at the back of his pants. He doesn't look like the typical trishaw-riding uncle, with his rather stately air. He pedals this bicycle with a slow purposeful momentum, and on other days, I catch him making small-talk with the womenfolk who ride home from the market. Today he's wearing a transparent raincoat, and no one seems interested in riding his trishaw. For some reason, this chance meeting made me pause, more so than when we usually cross paths. How many clients does he get in a day? This is a well-groomed, refined-looking man who I can imagine sitting in a room discussing calligraphy and books. And then I started to wonder about his background - Is this a hobby? Is this a much-needed job? Do his children support him? What is behind this face that I often see?

Salsa!!!

Heh I was a bit tentative when P asked me to go to Union Square... Every salsa enthusiast has waxed lyrical about the club and how it's a great place to schmooze and pick up some dance skills. But that's exactly why I was hesitant. It's been wat, 5 months since I last danced? And the last time I did it was in a crowded dance floor full of sweaty hot people in Chinatown... haha

Ok I'm not giving Xenbar enough credit, but I don't think it's a good place to get a gd grasp of the dance. It's like an SDU hangout full of older people and hardly any space to try anything new. Plus, there isn't anyone to really guide you properly.

Union Square was really fun! Headed down with P and managed to drag Serene there... We arrived pretty early at about 9ish. The place looks slightly bengish, and the music wasn't really that hot. Salsa music has so much potential to be sizzling, but somehow I didn't get the hot vibe in the place. Nonetheless, the dancers made up for it in full... Watching the women twirl and the men gyrate, my gosh, they are all so good! And there are so many different styles.. completely mind-boggling. I didn't dare step out until I mentally practised some of the basic moves first. Then I danced with some very obliging and ACCOMMODATING guys. ACCOMMODATING is the key word here, cos they are nice enough to stoop to my level... haha. And usually, when I have finished my turn with them, I would later observe them dancing very expertly with someone else, wondering why I never saw them display the same sizzling moves when they were dancing with me... hahahaha. A truly cringe-worthy moment.

BUT, it's still fun!!!! I picked up some stuff, and now I realise how important a good partner can be! Some of them do it so effortlessly that it doesn't matter whether u've tried the move before. You can just move with the flow. I saw a couple of familiar faces, but that's about it. MUST PICK UP SALSA AGAIN!!!!!!

Insomnia

I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning in my bed all night. Trying to get into a settled calm state. Failing miserably. My mind is racing with plans for tomorrow, and the stress of wanting to wake up at 5am the next day to train. 30km to go and no sleep yet. I can feel the seconds racing away in my quest to find rest. How ironic.

I'm Jesslyn and I'm an Insomniac. Lately I only sleep when it comes naturally to me, around 4am. I know I have to sleep when the words on my book become hazy and I cannot concentrate. I don't usually switch off the lights and wait for sleep to befall. Until today.

I can't sleep. There are many reasons why... The day's events have been racing through my mind. Thoughts of the conversations that have happened today. Trying to analyse why exactly my sister and I always fight. It's sometimes me... And it's sometimes her, even if she may insist otherwise. Why do we always drive each other crazy? The memory of her voice makes me so incensed I feel like throwing something against the wall. It's this deep anger, this raging wrath at the thought of the many many times that I simply cannot quell. Every time I try to be rational and cool-headed, she will misunderstand my 'calm' and it will backfire on me. Every time she says something, it will just sound like a provocation and it'll pique me further. There doesn't seem to be room for compromise. And this bugs me. It's the layers of history that we share... and the underlying similarities and differences of our makeup. The conversations just run on and on like on shuffle mode. Each time I get angry again. I'm so tired.

I can't sleep, guilty because I haven't been spending time at home. I'm always on the go, doing something. When I'm home, my thoughts are far away. I get distracted. Are my priorities wrong? I think I'm being selfish. But how much of my self should I give? I have been impervious and probably cold to the people who love me. But I rarely notice it until it's too late.

I can't sleep because I'm trying to make a decision. It seems trivial, but I need to know how much of a repercussion it has on my relationship with God. Am I feeling guilty because it really impacts my ability to obey Him? Or am I succumbing because someone is trying to make me feel obligated to go?

Am I also drifting away from this God who has been so good to me? I was just flipping the recent issue of TIME and my eye caught this pic of a woman who has just passed away, eaten by AIDS and tuberculosis, her eyes half open and her head caressed by a relative. Her son is staring down at this worn, weatherbeaten face, once familiar and yet foreign because she is no longer there. My priorities have been so screwed. Where is God in the midst of such poverty, disease and evil? I want to believe. But it's so easy for me to believe because the world I know is good. People are beautiful, healthy, rich, smart... Things are going so well for me. This woman and her son are from another universe.

I can't sleep because I feel stressed. The exams are looming and I have no clue where to start. Forming an exam timetable in my head and mentally crossing out dates where I'll be occupied. I have a children's church encounter camp one weekend, cell group on thursdays, lindy hop on tuesdays, training for the marathon...

Pics

We are trying to look pissed.. but apparently I only look sleepy. Watch choi put on her 'teacher is angry' face.



OK, we are finally looking normal after doing some random stupid things. Like this:

We are pretending to admire the scenery...

I'm really putting these pics up because I just uploaded like 5 months worth of pics from my SD card... And I just found out that half my Europe pics are missing, cos they are in another SD card which has been misplaced!! It's somewhere in my sister's room, or so my dad reckons. And it's pissing me off a tad...

More pics!!!


These are my Sec 4 classmates. We just had a reunion recently and we realised how much we are all still the same people. At 16, some aspects of your character are already entrenched. I wonder what I'd be like if I were in another school. I like the person I have become, although there are so many things I would change. I didn't think that I would be this way when I'm 23. I thought I would be... wiser? More mature? More confident? But overall, yup, I think I'm satisfied.