restless

I am getting a restless vibe. It's a feeling that something is just round the corner and I can't focus on the present because of it. It seems like something will be happening very soon. And I can't wait to find out what it is. Then again, maybe it's just a fleeting feeling, one that comes and goes. I can't explain it.

I can't sleep at night. I toss and turn and my heart is beating so loudly and quickly that I am incapable of rest. Insomnia has struck yet again.

I am also irrationally happy. I can't explain it. And I don't know what it is. But it's really distracting me from my surroundings, and making me incapable of focusing.

Maybe it's the monotony that has hit just a bit too hard. It has hit so hard that now it has resulted in my construction of an anticipation or expectation that 2007 will bring something more soon. It's making me wait and wonder. For nothing. The ennui has become a false high. Does that make sense?!

2007

Zam v PP
The criminal appeal is finally over. I think it's left a bad taste in my mouth. But I don't regret ever taking it up. It was very scary, especially when you know a life is in your hands. Plus you are on the side with all the disadvantages. The prosecution will always have the upper hand, no matter what they say about "Innocent until proven guilty". I don't believe in that anymore. My client was a dead man from the start.

I don't believe that all is fair and that my client would have received due process of the law. @#$%^ I like to think that I came out of it having learnt a bit more about what justice in the courts is like. And 'nuff said.

When it came out in the papers, I didn't read it at first. I just heard that my name was mentioned, and not in a good way. This made me freak out quite a bit, until I read the article and heaved a sigh of relief. Yes, my name was mentioned. But thankfully, not in a bad light. I was honestly frightened of being implicated.


Others things
This has been a pretty slow week at the office. I don't have very much to do. It's making a bit concerned, because everywhere I turn, people are busy. Even the intern is busier than me! Many people are involved in NKF, so I don't see the NKF team at all. They are just rushing from place to place. Brings back fond memories of my time during the BGC trial=)

I felt like shit then. Even though I complain about having too much capacity now, it feels really good to be able to walk out of the office at 615. I stil feel guilty walking out so early with my bag. But I'm determined to seize this free time for ME time. It's good that Sanctification week at church is falling in my office lull period.

Time to do the following in my Lull period:
1. Planning for 2007
- This is my year of thinking through my future. I'm not going to waste my youth and then realise I have so many dreams that just remained dreams. I'm lazy and I have inertia, but I'm determined to overcome that to fulfil some of the wishes I have. I just hope God and I have the same dream.

- I want to plan for my personal life, my career and my ministry. What does God have in store for me? I need to find out, and to do this, I need more time by myself to go through this.

- This is also a year of trying to improve in the skills I have now. I'm really a jack of all trades and master of none. My interests are fleeting. But I know that if I stick to something, I can really become good at it. But nothing has caught my eye for more than a short period of time.

2. Salsa
- I kickstarted 2007 with salsa. I just went to Union Square on Saturday, and it was really great. It made me realise I have so much to improve. I hadn't touched salsa for about 7 months, so now I feel like the worst one in my class. But I won't stay last for long!!!

- I can't see how some guys can go to Union Square every single day though. There are so many other things to do. How does one find the time and the dedication to go every single day? Hats off to them.

3. Lasik!!!
- I'm feeling a bit nervous about this. It's scheduled to fall on the days right before CNY Eve. Hope it goes well...

4. ... ... ...
- I don't know what 2007 has in store for me, but I'm curious to find out how God brings me through this year. I'll be 25. That's the year my skin officially starts aging!!! I am getting physically old, although mentally and emotionally, I don't feel that grounded yet. There are so many things to think through, so many plans to make for the future. Nothing is certain. I look at my married friends and wonder if marriage is what makes the difference. Those who are getting married or who have already taken that step are already in the next phase of their lives. I don't know where I am going. But should it be dependent on whether I get married? I don't think so. I think this maturity should arrive regardless of whether there is a partner to share these things with. And I guess this is something I have to learn.

For the past few years, the area of relationships have just hit a wall. I don't know what my journey will be in this area. It had been either fleeting or it had boiled down to nothing. Eventually. My girlfriends and my er, 'privileged guy friends' would be privy to all the little incidents here and there that have happened the past few years. Thanks for being my confidantes.

My sister's professor died and was buried last Saturday. As a professor of sociology for many years, he has managed to touch many lives. Many apparently came to mourn over his death, and to bid him a final farewell. The eulogies were touching, students were reminescing about what a great mentor and friend he had been...

Of course, all these were not witnessed first hand, but through a source - my sister.

And yet, I couldn't help wondering, as a litigation lawyer, what my funeral would be like. This job comes with a trade-off. Who would attend my funeral? Clients wouldn't be queueing up to say goodbye to lawyers. What would they say? "She was efficient" or "She was a good drafter"?

Future Sex/Love Sounds

I really like Justin Timberlake's new album Future Sex/Love Sounds. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit it. It's a teenage girl's dream. He has managed to maintain his Mickey Mouse Club cheeky persona while being able to break the ranks into quasi adulthood by dating Cameron Diaz. Not bad. And the contrast with the ever-fading Britney Spears really helps.

His sound is much more mature now, as is his image. I have almost forgotten that messy head of curls, those of N'Sync. Almost.

But you know what, there's an insousiance about him that is very charming. Not everyone can pull it off. It must be his Mickey Mouse Club street cred=p

His new album is great. I really really like some of the songs on the album, especially MyLove. Time to download the rest of the album!!!

My very own December holidays

Just back from the holidays and sort of well-rested. "Sort of" only because my version of being well-rested and refreshed usually involves urban trekking in some great European city or some exotic highway in the US. THAT is the ideal.

Contrary to the norm I once knew, staying in Singapore and hanging out in places I haven't been to in a while is exciting and refreshing too. I didn't appreciate ECP so much until I got to savour it during office hours! Running along east coast park was great. Thank God for the beautiful weather, the clouds, the wind, the waves, even the dragonflies. I'm a naturalist. The beach appeals to my senses. And I can see the Divine in His handiwork.

I also savoured the passive moments - sitting at Caffebar drinking a coffee and penning down my thoughts, watching people at Level one of Parkway Parade stroll past towards the sale at Marks&Sparks... Thinking, planning, making resolutions, crafting my ideas for the year ahead... Thank God for this hiatus for me to rest and just be myself. Without having to be someone's employee, someone's colleague, someone's legal slave!

And now the loneliness sets in a tad, but in a calm and passive way. There is no manic depression, no pessimistic thoughts. Rather, it is a sanguine awareness of how God's plans fall into place. I have ideas about how I want 2007 to start. I just need to start executing them.

This rest period was also catch up time to do mundane things like catching the latest movies. I got to catch Night at the Museum, Borat, Blood Diamonds and The Holiday. I also got to watch two seasons worth of Prison Break at one go on one stormy rainy day and a few other quiet nights. That makes it almost 24 hours worth of Wentworth Miller.

Prison Break

It's a self-imposed duty for me to look at the various new US TV shows and consider which ones I'd be interested in being a loyal follower of - the TV shows I would be willing to sacrifice some social activities for, or some sleep for. (Apparently, *shock* lack of sleep is linked to obesity! No wonder... but I digress).

Currently, my status as Loyal Follower is with regards to a few stellar shows: Gilmore Girls, Lost, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Will & Grace. Prison Break is another such.

Yes, I'm slow (only this once!) I've been recommended the series before but was too lazy to check it out, although the episodes were sitting at my desk at home. Prison Break is into its third season now I think. I've seen it on bittorrent for the longest time. But now I'm pledging my loyalty to the series.

Prison Break is incredibly smart and thrilling. And it helps that Wentworth Miller is hot. He's very familiar. I haven't browsed his bio, but I've definitely seen him in some show recently. The plot seems to hinge on the rescue of Wenworth Miller's brother, who's on death row. I refuse to look at the episode guides online. But Channel 5 is simply too slow. Every time one episode concludes, I can't wait for the next episode. It's like how I was with ER eons ago, back when I was 13, back when I discovered the wonderful world of US TV for the first time. And I never went back.

Yes, I will start watching Prison Break with a vengeance.

weekend exploits

I'm developing very disturbing habits. Going karaoking twice in a month! Learning the mahjong. Eating all my 3 meals. Not getting up regularly to run every other day. Learning to love the beer. Gambling at the turf club. Craving fine dining...=)

Not that I'm complaining. I'm having a blast. I'm having a really good month, despite all that working. Actually it's because work is so tedious that I feel that my free time has gotten very very precious. Carpe diem I say.

But maybe there's a thread of escapism in these pursuits. I'm always on the go, nary any time for thinking through some of the things I need to think about. I need some alone time soon.

WAKEBOARDING

If there's a sport that resembles skiing or snowboarding it'll have to be this. I'm really getting a kick out of wakeboarding. The last time I went was some 4 years ago, but when I tried it again last month, I realised I've been missing out all these years. And WOW.

I had a few false starts the first time, and I forgot how to get up. But I think, once you've got it, you don't really lose it. It's like riding a bicycle. After the first two splats, I finally managed to stay within the wake.

And the rush of the wind and the sounds of the boat ride in front of you and the fact that you are skimming water gives you a huge rush. There are only so many words I can use to explain this exhilarating feeling.

The second time, just yesterday, was even better. With the help of good old "Uncle Robert" the instructor, we managed to understand how to properly cross the wake, how to stand rod straight when crossing the left, how to bend when crossing the right, how to thrust your hip towards the handle, how to land lightly and absorb the shock before standing straight... ok these technicalities are boring. But in the second lesson, I managed to cross both wakes, return back to the inside of the wake and I skimmed the outside right next to the boat. When the boat did a u-turn, I was hanging on to the rope for dear life, but it was like being on a roller coaster. Only better. No safety handles, no seats and no safety net. Just a rope.

When I crossed the wake yesterday, there were a few moments when the board hit the wake and lifted straight up into the air. And when I landed back onto the water, there was a very neat pop sound. *GRINZ* And part of the thrill is losing control and feeling sort of wobbly, but then getting your sense of balance quickly such that you regain stability and you feel top of the world again. Yes, it's the same feeling as the one I had while skiing. (I ALSO LOVE SKIING).

Given, there were many splats. I had quite a few concussions. The first time, I felt sick the whole day after going into the water because of one awful thump in the head by the wake.

And then there are the floating debris and the obiquitous jellyfish. Every so often we would see one floating past the boat. And as you are submerged in the water waiting for the boat to get started, you feel a tad vulnerable knowing that you are probably in the same habitat as that blasted jellyfish.

But that was all worth it. Now I'm looking forward to my next lesson come Nov 4!

Must remember to bring my camera...

Death of my Laptop - may Natalie R.I.P.

My beloved laptop died. It just decided to cough up the blue screen on Monday. And then it told me it was going to begin "initial dump of physical memory", at which point I couldn't watch anymore. I tried to resuscitate it, but then it started to make these grinding noises. Every grind brought about the slow steady destruction of every single file I had inside. I could see my pictures get ground away, jpg by jpg. It was heartbreaking.

And then it was sent for the full body works. But when it came back it just wasn't the same anymore. My codecs were all gone, my beautiful wallpaper with Ponte Vecchio stripped down, with the standard uniform Microsoft background in place. There were no picture to see, no movies to watch, no songs. No more Ares. No more Received Files from friends. No more diary entries. No more legal documents. And at this point, no Internet connection. It's like Robocop. I've gotten my laptop back. But it just isn't the same anymore.

Sheares Bridge Run

I signed up for the Army Half Marathon today... There was a booth right outside Hall 5, just where the World Climbing Competition was being held. It was like a sign. And the promoters were so eager...

So I signed up on behalf of Qinlong and myself. It's a good incentive to get myself fit and running again!!!

Wine Tasting

Hmmm... Did a wine tasting at Ponti Wines yesterday. Zach helped to organise the gathering. It was a hodge podge of friends from all over, including one or two whom I recognised. His uncle is a wine afficionado who buys wine by the cases. I had a good chat with him about Australian wines (I LOVE AUSTRALIA). It turns out that he is a Katnook Estate fan!

Yes I have been drinking. Quite a bit recently. I've discovered the wonders of tasting wine and trying to glean the various flavours and complexities within the wine. It's amazing how many layers can be deciphered from just one sip, one sniff, one whirl of the glass. Yes I sound pretentious. But the wine was just so good! There's really no other beverage (apart from coffee) that can intrigue me just as much. I am very impressed with his uncle, who certainly knows his wines very well. He even set up a wine portal for friends and other wine lovers. Zach himself knows how to appreciate wines. Thankfully I found a wine kaki in him!

Out of the 7 wines we tried yesterday, I have a particular fondness for the first one, the Sauvignon Blanc. With about 15% of Viognier, it has a fruity, viscose, "oily" quality that gives it some interesting depth. After that one introduction to Viognier, it got very easy to detect even the slightest tinge of the grape variety. I have to check it out a bit more... And I like the premier reds, the last 2. It went down so smoothly, with barely an aftertaste. Plus the bouquet was beautiful. I also like the Blend. I can't remember what it was a blend of, but I know there was some shiraz and cabernet in that one. Very interesting, how they mesh the various types of grape in one wine and yet it turns out so rounded and full-bodied...

Reminds me of Australia and my wonderful wine-tasting holiday in Coonowarra =)

Floyd

I'm watching Floyd the drunken celebrity travel chef. Ahh, my stress reliever. It's hilarious to watch him get really high while he pretends to cook something fabulous. Even more hilarious is his attempt to modify the actual dish in the homeland of the dish. Eg: cooking his version of curry in India. Now Floyd is cooking in Denmark... Cooking paella.... hmmm.

Marathon?

I'm contemplating whether to join the Standard Chartered Marathon again. The thought process goes like this:

1) Standard Chartered, ya?
2) Which category? 21 or 42.195?
3) If I do 21, it feels somewhat anticlimax. If I do 42.195, I better get some good training, or else I'd DIE.
4) I don't have time I don't have time I don't have time.
5) I will have to wake up REALLY EARLY on saturdays.

I just took a look at D's timetable, snitched off the standard chartered website, and I completely freak out. It means u have to run practically everyday. Inside I laugh. No, actually I laugh out loud. What are the odds of completing such a routine? Can D do it? (hurhurhur)

If I do 42.195, I must clock in a good time. My time last year was 5h 18min, which wasn't too bad for me. So if I get a time which is way worse this year, that would completely suck and drain all the satisfaction I got from marathon 2005. My ego is v v big. OK, so maybe the answer is: no 42.195. But maybe 21km?

Hmm, maybe I should sign up for AHM first. But AHM? Do I have enough fitness to do AHM at a proficient pace now? (Inside I yell, NO. But my ego says YES)

OK, my ego wins. I'll do AHM. Think about standard chartered tomorrow.

Sigh. I don't understand how, no matter how old I get, no matter how my outlook changes, and no matter how my interactions and my social circle expands and diversifies, the same problems will continue to plague me. People will still react towards u in the same way. No matter how much u think you have changed. Confidence, more developed opinions, changed perspectives, a more varied lifestyle, all comes down to nothing...

I've created some new friendships over the past few years. Some have fizzled; some have bloomed; others were on the verge of being a nice comfortable friendship. And then one day it just... disappears? How many have there been that just went on the same path? Am I overcomplicating things? I don't know why this is bugging me so much.

I'm back. It's been a long while, but I think the simple word, "WORK", vindicates me. It's been quite harrowing adjusting to my new responsibilities. People management, both upper and lower tier management, is a drain in itself. Not to mention, obligations to the client, what to do and what not to do, the PRs of the legal profession. I'm REALLY TIRED!!!

But I love my weekends. I'll willingly slog to the bone on weekdays in order to get my saturdays and sundays free, to go out and pretend that I have an alternate life, with alternate friends, and I don't even have to think about the office and my files, where I can become me again. I find myself behaving differently, because I have to assume a more assertive persona, a more demanding more aggressive stance. No one must know how much experience I actually have. And what better way to cover this up by not asking the first questions that come to my head; and to respond with full confidence although sometimes I myself am in doubt. Yes, I'm a fraudster. But thank God any mistakes were reparable. And as my seniors say, we all make boo boos.

Back to the weekends. Loved the lazy breakfast at Choupinette with Lee Si, and the gourmet deli shopping, zipping into Cellar Door and Culina, buying atas cheese and pestos, buying the mini chocolat noir tarts that I so loved in France. Loved the good old zi char at that place near Rail Mall, loved the wine place with all that wine sampling and the Italian deli and good old flowing conversation...

Loved the time spent with Lynn and the bridal gown shopping, loved the chalet and that silly but oh-so-fun Murderer game, plus supper. Loved sleeping at 6am and waking up at 1pm(deja vu, I felt like I was back in hall).

I'm a planner. I can't help it. I already planned my next Friday and Saturday. It's a good plan, and hopefully it'll get executed, unlike my Wine Network plans last saturday that got cancelled for Le P'tit Breton. OK, not being atas here, but the crepes were really good!! Brings back wonderful (but disgusting memories for a certain travel mate) memories wolfing down nutella crepe after nutella crepe (and the odd savoury mushroom one) in Paris 2 yrs ago!!!