Thank you

thanks to the lovely people who made my birthday sweet and fun this year=) There were few expectations, so it was really great. It's a bit of a downer to be one year older... I had always been excited previously - the start of a new year rings in a new year of possibilities and lessons to learn. But this time was really blah. I feel OLD. Not wiser, not even improved in any way. Just my morose whiny self. Haha.

God bless you all. Thank you so much once again!

Back from the Hiatus

I left Singapore for Melbourne exhausted. Working really sucks up one's youth and energy and there comes a point when u really really need a break. And Melbourne really did it for me. The trip was so great. All that shopping, all that sitting around and bumming around quaint coffee shops, sipping piping hot frothy mocha and cake piled high, all that wine-sampling and fine weather.... I came back a happy trooper.

Melbourne is a wonderful place to live, even if just an average place for tourists. Knowing locals made it so much better. We were introduced to the best food and shopping places. And the nicest places to hang out in on weekends. We travelled to Coonawarra for gourmet dining and we hopped from winery to winery sampling a large range of wines. We were eyeing the Katnook Merlot, but decided to settle for the Samuel Port from Wynns Estate instead. At Piper's, we had the wonderful eye fillet steak with beef cheeks tartlet and warm chocolate pudding... In Melbourne itself, my sister and I strolled down Williamstown and discovered the perfect koogelhopf (we even bought the entire cake back). Coffee is to die for. We also happily gambled, at Crown Casino. And watched, with great apathy, the ever popular LOAGIES take place amidst much hyperventilating from Aussie TV fans. Arrived home with a greater appreciation for costume jewellery, diamonds, alcohol and higher standards for what constitutes good coffee.

I came back to work feeling like I could work at full throttle... But the mood lasted a good 24 hrs. I lost the "glow"very quickly, that energised look was swept clean after just a day. And it wasn't even a particularly busy week. In fact, I've been enjoying my new room, getting used to my new premises, meeting up with and chatting with people, celebrating birthdays, going for teas... Life has been good. Haha. Now that I'm billable, suddenly others have to think a little before assigning work to me. But I expect next week will be unpredictable.

Today was the start of the birthday celebrations=) And yay, I got Zara vouchers! Now to find things to buy... It has been a very mild week... Like the calm before a storm. A lot of time for myself to contemplate, to do the solitary things that I enjoy, to just sit... and mull. But mulling can be detrimental too. Sooner or later the thoughts will start to plague me and I have to get busy again.

I am just going to cut to the chase here. No point being cryptic.

I don't know what's going on, but having the pall of grief hanging over my community was so bad once. Now to have it hit twice in less than 3 months... And I just realised that the first time I had any contact with these 2 people was when we went jogging at the retreat in Sembawang, at the campsite. Now 2 of them are gone.

The deja vu is stifling. JW's "and here we go again" still rings in my head. Both happened on Saturday. Both memorial services were on Sunday. Both funerals would be on Tuesday. Both in Mandai. The spiritual father and spiritual son have reunited so quickly.

And I can't help hearing a voice in my head, and I don't know if it comes from God. This voice asks if I love Him enough to give up my life for His cause. And I cannot say Yes yet. This voice asks if I'm ready to play my part in the great commission, whether or not it involves dying before my time. There's too much to anticipate, too much to look forward to. Just one month ago, my sis woke up with a very bad dream and the very heavy burden to pray for my protection. She told me she sensed danger coming my way. The whole of yesterday, I couldn't help looking around me in church, wondering what would come next. So many have been getting sick. There has been internal strife. Death has already struck. What worse thing could be thrown our way?

We must be doing something wonderful and powerful for the devil to be so afraid that he has to attempt to wage some spiritual battle with us. In fact, I think we are going to emerge much stronger and more united for it. Because we have shared so much grief together. It's really a cement. I never thought our network was really united because we are actually quite a disparate bunch. The various groups are just so different. But grief provides a commonality. And I feel so much more attuned and aware that this is a real war. The spiritual realm is very much amongst us, no matter how oblivious we are to it.

Our bodies expire, but we don't. Our souls will continue to live long and hard. This is just the trial phase, our baby steps. In a sense, if someone were to leave this earth prematurely, maybe it's because God has decided that he's learnt how to walk. I can't help remembering the friends I've known that have passed away young. When I do, I always remember how they were when they were flushed and alive. And laughing. Or sharing good conversation. But these memories will be coloured by my memories of the wake. Of all the crying and the shock. Always I remember that, more than I actually remember their lives.

Rationally, I understand that this life is merely temporary, and we have a whole lifetime after we shed our earthly shell. But I always feel robbed and cheated when someone young slips away. He didn't live his whole life out, I would think. It was cut short. If I were only able to not perceive it as being a life "cut short", but merely the end of that person's life as it was supposed to be, I would be more accepting of death at any age.

Love Languages

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		12
Physical Touch:		6
Words of Affirmation:		5
Acts of Service:		4
Receiving Gifts:		3

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

In Between

There is this world where people talk of champagne brunches and fast cars and chanel bags. The girls are elegant, poised, flawless, polished, nary a hair in place. The guys are smooth, confident, intelligent. Ideas, information, wit, trivia, networking... they all matter.

Then there is this other world where all these things don't matter. And the abovementioned sets you apart. "High maintenance" they call it. "The English one" they say. "The very dressed up one", they label.

Work and Effort

I'm really not very good at the things I'm interested in. I realise that it takes a huge investment of time and effort before I reach the threshold where my rate of improvement starts to accelerate. It usually gets off to a very slow start. And then I either have too little time or I lose interest.

That happened to touch rugby, to netball, to even music and literature, to dance, and I think to acting... There is never enough time to do everything I want to do.

For every attempt at a new avenue, it always takes sheer effort and concentration. Nothing really comes that easily. Either that, or I need to relook my own focus and start measuring it up to the amount of focus that others give to their work or the things to do. I might have been underestimating the amount of effort required at doing things for the last 24 years of my life. And there is always that Eureka moment, the moment when you realise how much effort is actually required. And that is when the sense of awe overcomes you for the first time, when you realise how high the hurdle is. But when the hurdle is crossed, that's when the sense of might and achievement comes.

Disappointment and Hope

I was in a car with my little Barnabas Club(Sunday School) girl Hannah and her brother Timothy. And you can see that this is a family overflowing with love. Such tenderness goes into how their parents converse with their darlings. Such warmth and love in the bodily gestures and the plans they make together. Yes, this is a family with a God in its midst. There is so much hope in the children's future.


This has been the year of disappointing friendships. I can't be the only party trying, initiating all the time. And I'm reminded of how transient everything I have is. There is no firm foundation to rely on. Every other support system will fail at one point of time, even if it is subjectively so. Except God. I can't read minds. Usually I like to sit down and tackle problems on the head. I want to be a kind, understanding friend, but I need to be able to understand first. But if I'm the only one trying here, isn't that saying something?

I'm tired.

Dylan Thomas speaking to me - To Dana Reeve

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Munich

A thinking man’s action movie is a tagline that wouldn’t do Munich justice. If movies could take personality tests, it would be a choleric/melancholic.

The movie develops in a linear path, give and take the requisite flashbacks to that fateful terrorist attack. It’s a very straightforward movie. No arty pretense to it – typically Spielberg. But its beauty lies in the encapsulation of the inner workings of the characters’ minds.

The passions of both sides are disconcerting for me. They place such immense value on “having a home on earth”. The people are willing to kill and destroy lives just for a few “stone huts and olive trees”. But it does make me wonder why I just don’t care. I simply don’t. Is the apathy a young Singaporean’s failing? Or is it just me? Or maybe it would take a catastrophe or an earth-shaking event to move my patriotism. We don’t have much history behind us. The Israelis had thousands of years of bondage and oppression behind them. The Palestinians have history compounded with indignation. Maybe their history is more tied to their land… their sense of belonging is entrenched in the soil of their forefathers. But we are a migrant people. And are these my excuses?

All the blood that is spilt does not achieve any concrete effect. It merely sends a message, as was admitted by the terrorists in the movie. No one attack can do much in the greater scheme of things. Right after key players are eradicated, new angrier ones arise in their place. Poignantly, this brought a sense of hopelessness and futility in the midst of all that faith and belief. In the end, Eric Bana’s character doesn’t come out of the situation determined and victorious. He becomes destroyed…

Probably one of the best movies I've seen in some time...

The art of forgetting

It’s been a few weeks since it all exploded in one big poof of smoke. That anticlimax moment, a sudden revelation at the futility of it all. I thought I was resigned to and accepted it and I thought I had moved on. Weeks after, I’ve been meeting and making new friends, expanding my social circle, as though to replace this one that I had just lost.

But suddenly last night, it all came rushing back to me. I simply have not forgotten. There were no scars, no anger, trauma, emotional ties. No sadness, hate, love, remorse, guilt, heartbreak. But there was regret. A what if that will never come to fruition.

My Good Week

I’m actually sitting in the office typing this. The past week was a whirl of work, work and more work. Now that I’ve handed it in, I find myself suddenly void of work. What a great way to start my Monday!

Despite the work, the past week has been pleasant… The hours stuck in the office were long, but I thrive on change. Moving up to the 27th floor surrounded by documents wasn’t as bleak as I thought it would be. There were new people to talk to, new people to lunch with, in between meeting with old friends for lunch.

On Tuesday, I checked out the nice Italian place at Ocean Towers with the IP bunch for lunch – Marc, Geri, Jessica and Tim. Except for Marc, I don’t really talk very much to the rest on a usual basis. So that was refreshing. The company and the food was great. (The antipasti was really good!) And then discovered a really nice coffee nook at OCBC Centre called Leo's, courtesy of Jessica. They have really really good coffee. Not diluted, but strong and not too acidic. Hmm… must expand my lunch avenues since I’m going to be working here for quite a while. And must expand my repertoire of lunch kakis. It would be nice to meet up with all the different friends working here for lunch. It’s actually sad that I work here with so many others, but we just don’t bother or don’t have enough time to meet up. Lunch has become a hurried affair in the litigation department. We dabao and do quick lunches in the office now. There’s just so much work.

On Wednesday, I actually walked all the way beyond Far East Square to Sushi Tei to meet Weihao and Darrell. Heh, I think someone had a craving… I’ve never bothered to walk all that way before. So much for saving money for the weekends instead!

The weekends passed by in a blur – a busy blur. Met up with FS for our tete a tete at Kovan’s HK Café. It’s really not bad. I would rate their milk tea above the HK Café at Upper East Coast, which is a tad too sweet. But I think I prefer the French toast at the latter better. Had a pretty good long chat about things. The next day, I met up with Kevin and Pam for Crystal Jade lunch, followed by Munich and then met up with Zach for the treat I always meant to give him for his birthday.

We went to Menotti’s… I’m a big foodie, and warm chocolate cake always takes a special place in my heart… hahaha. The pollo panini was excellent. Paninis remind me of Paris, because I ate so many paninis when I was there. It’s the cheapest way to settle dinner in France when you’re broke. Although paninis made for depressing dinners when I was there, it always brings back fond memories whenever I order it back home. Call it romanticizing the past if you will. I’m a sentimentalist. Pardon the digression, but I only realized just how much of a sentimentalist I am when I saw what my friends filled up for me in my own johari window. I didn’t think to call myself one, but my friends did. And upon reflection(ps, I’m ‘reflective’ too!), I realise that it’s true. I remember the past a tad too vividly, and I treasure fond memories. That can sometimes be dangerous.

One pollo panini and soffiato later (Zach had the scallop tagliatelle and riccioto), we stumbled out of Menotti’s. And I was suddenly weighed down by this immense fatigue. It just dawned on me that no matter how precious weekends were, no matter how I tried to maximize my time and pack in as much friend time as I can within those precious 48 hours or so, it will catch up with my body soon. I can’t keep moving.

I have to learn to be still. Something I also picked up the weekend before at the Tabernacle. And for the past few months, I’ve been moving in a blur, a constant kinetic motion. Never resting, never pausing to appreciate the futility of this constant meeting up, this continuing cycle of weekdays and weekends. Always doing, never thinking Why. Should I stay home and catch up on my reading instead? Or catch up on my downloaded shows? But does that not belong to the kinetic category albeit in a more sedentary fashion?

And then I realize, what am I going to do in my stillness, even if I learnt to rest and learnt to appreciate alone time. I’m not used to it anymore. What if my thoughts awash me and I return to those bleak days?

p.s. Must run off all the food I've been eating all week...

Fill it for me!!

http://kevan.org/johari?name=curiouscanaan

Beauty

I still can't figure out the criteria by which guys measure and mark out the girls they think are hot. I for one think guys have bad taste, or at least the ones I know have bad taste... Just went out with Zach today. As usual, he keeps pointing out random girls and marking them out as hot. Is "hot" an objective universal criteria? Or is it determined by the cultural norms? For one, most of the girls he picked out look sweet, skinny, and VERY YOUNG. I'm convinced he's a closet paedophile.. hahahahaha. All of that, I'm ashamed to say, look like the typical generic sweet Singaporean girl.

Girls, on the other hand, use a different scale by which to gauge beauty. But I don't think there's a fixed standard. Food for thought. But I'm too tired to go through this now.

Saturday

The weekend flew by once again. But I'm trying to make every minute count, which usually ends up with me getting sleep-deprived and going into the office on Monday morning with a very bad grace.

Saturday was spent in Sentosa with the Barnabas Club Touch Kids leaders at a highly technical map-reading version of Amazing Race. It wasn't so bad... I managed to get some sun, which is a really refreshing change! I'm still curious as to why skin-whitening products are popping out everywhere. Tanned skin can be really nice too! White skin can make one look pasty and unhealthy. Unfortunately my tan has disappeared proportionate to the time I spend in the office and indoors in church on weekends...

I headed down to the Tabernacle after Sentosa... spent 3 fruitful hours in the chapel. I laid out an agenda, hoping to seek out the answers to some of the things that have been plaguing me. But it was funny how the moment I planted myself inside the outer courts, I was confronted with a note that said, "seek communion with God, come with no agenda". OK, point taken.

I came out with a reminder from Exodus 14: The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." I have been seeking and seeking and getting really indignant at the lack of answers, the constant wondering and the angst... And at the end of it, God is actually telling me to just stop fretting and to let Him work instead. I really didn't think of that.

My 3 hours just flew by. It really didn't seem that long. The only clue was that I was getting thirsty and cold. But I was encouraged and touched when Yating suddenly appeared when I emerged, having waited for me for 3 hrs... Hehe thanks so much!!!!

Hebrews - Love

Part of the essence of God's love is to Rejoice when others Rejoice, to Weep when others Weep. It may not be innate. It may not be natural. But we can always try to aspire. Thank God.