I'm sick and tired of waiting for things to happen all the time. What should I do?

Thank God the hectic weekend was over. And thank God for pulling me through this tiring week. Had to skip lunch and dinners and basically sat in front of the computer for 14 hrs, give and take the odd toilet break and the random joke in the pupils' room. Can feel my muscles in atrophy. But the weekend ended well.

I woke up on Saturday morning at precisely 645am, wondering what day of the week it was, my body ready to spring out of bed automatically. Then I remembered. And I felt really really happy.

I also picked up the Purpose Driven Life again, after abandoning it for a good 6 months. I feel really ignorant about so many things. I need to start reading and learning again, apart from law. Need to broaden my perspectives and stop looking inwards. And God said that trials are there to build us up and to mould us to become more like Him. I knew that from the start, but it was comforting to hear it again. All the issues that dog me for years really make sense. They are there to break me, to cast down my pride and to make me see my irrelevance without this God I serve. This will always be hard, especially when I compare myself to the others around me. And at the cinemas today and even walking along Marina Square with Zach yesterday, I felt a pinch of fear and sadness.

Heh, I'm going down the list of alternative occupations. Suddenly teaching doesn't seem so hard anymore. Cake baking ranks pretty high now too.

NY Resolutions

2 main resolutions this year...

1. I shall be more alert and more conscious about my surroundings. I need to be shrewder or sharper.

2. I have to stop putting up a face for the world.

Yup, just two. Plus the usual resolution to lose weight of course=)

First weekend of 2006

Just experienced the busiest weekend ever... Had last minute research shoved at me on Friday, just half hour before work was supposed to end. And there was the retreat. Plus the performance and the full dress rehearsals on Sunday. Then I had to start on the research right after the show. Things were happening fast and furious. But it was pretty exhilarating. It's far better than sitting and not having anything to do. It also marks the longest period that I've gone with less than 5.5 h sleep. I've been sleep-deprived since Dec 6 and I'm still counting. I should write a book on my experiences and get people to do tests on me. Perhaps the tests will show that I'm ageing at twice the pace of my sleep-nourished peers. Maybe I'm twice Lihui's age. haha.

Leisure is such a precious commodity now. I entered retreat feeling a little stunned at the weekend before me. But I was appreciative of the company, the comfort of having friends who try to understand. I also realise that my social circles are starting a seismic shift. Previously, my social circles revolved around school, around hall. Church was subsidiary. Older friends mattered a lot. Nowadays, I seem to be involved in church things more and more. Not everyone is familiar and intimate with me, but faces are imprinted in my mind now. If I'm going to be in this community, I better start getting to know the people around me better. I need to figure out where I want my primary community to be and engage more with them. The thing about church is that, we only engage with such a small sector of the network. I'm uncomfortable with small settings. It stifles me sometimes.

I'll be writing my thoughts on the retreat for the network website soon. Right now, I'll have to collect my thoughts and do some thinking for 2006!

The kungfu hustle song has been in my head the whole day. Thank God that He has revealed Himself to me in the weirdest ways. Today, the signs were everywhere, from His Grace Cafe to Rose of Sharon, to the displays of Christian books. Just when I needed some semblance of God in my workplace.

Today I was blocking out, not thinking about the things that have plagued my mind. But it still does. And it still stings. Today I wondered why my voice kept getting drowned out. It seems like it's always been that way.

Today, my tendencies for extremities revealed itself once again. I'm getting to know myself just that bit more.

ps. The ice wine on Monday night made me really really happy.

Office Situation

This is the second day that I'm actually back so early from work. Such a rarity to be able to come back, kick off my high heels, slouch on the couch and just NOT DO ANYTHING. No programmes, no agenda. Just being. Thank God for this reprieve, right before Christmas. I had slept at 2am the night before, only to awake at 6am, unable to return back to sleep...

Had a surprisingly good time at Settler's Cafe playing Cranium yesterday, then later at Penny Black. And today I had a pretty relaxed day at the office, the day being occupied largely by seminars, department end-of-year lunch at Marriott and a short typical Thursday tea at 6pm. One thing strikes me as abnormal and slightly disturbing. No one really mixes and mingles at the firm. People sit around in their batches, the year 3s and the year 4s, the lawyers sitting in some close knit teams, the secretaries hanging out in bunches, the pupils are a separate entity altogether. I hate that. I hate the lack of curiosity and the apathy that I'm sensing. There's no interest in seeing how someone is doing, people sit at their tables, eat and then return to work. I suddenly was transported back to the New Paper days, when Melvin Singh would walk by and jest with us and tell us his life stories, how Santokh would tell us about his work and his passions and even his life philosophy. How we would hear the supervisors laughing out loud from their cluster, how people would sit around the cookies and chat in the middle of the day and then break for lunch and how we would be regaled with tales of something stupid that someone else did. Now that was fun.

Does every law firm behave this way? The only other experience I had was in Lee & Lee and I was pretty much left alone too. But back then I was only one of 2 insignificant attachees so I didn't think much of it. Now, I'm officially a member of the firm, but I could go days, even weeks without talking to some people in the firm. I don't even venture into certain parts of the office for days on end. Today I noticed so many faces that I have not seen before. Everyone walks straight with an emotionless face. If anyone were to smile, it would be a tentative one.Most appear deep in thought.

Sure, the pupils are gelling really well. I like them all. And I dare say I get along well with them. But it's not healthy. It's not healthy to bypass people after week 8 and not even exchange a single word with them. How long is this going to continue?

Just visited a website featuring a log cake recipe. It doesn't sound v difficult... it's mainly technique, pertaining to how to lay the different layers, how to roll the cake up, etc. The ingredients shouldn't be too difficult to whip up. It's v tempting to try, but baking it would mean that I'll have to eat most of it, since my family is getting so health conscious and my dad eats like a mouse now. I'm trying to stay away from cake and carbs in general but this is getting harder and harder with the christmas and new year season!

On another note, I just went shopping for a cross pendant. It's not ideal, but the ideal ones cost more than a 100. Jewellery sales abound, but do I really want to spend so much on that? I bought a white plain cross from Mintmark & Co. It's a tad big but it doesn't look as tacky as some of the bling bling rapper accessories that I've come across... I've been looking for one for ages. Why is it so hard to find a nice cheap one? And imagine my indignance when Jerrine proclaimed that she's got quite a few stashed somewhere...

The end of the work week spelled such relief and joy. But although it's saturday night, it's a reminder that tomorrow is the last day of the weekend. And Sundays are not going to be relaxing anymore. I don't know how I can do the "wake up at 645am every Sunday" routine.

Back to Work

Dyed my hair aubergine on saturday. Yes, I know it's only an atas term for "brinjal", but "brinjal" doesn't do my hair colour justice. I like to think that the auburn red/purple colour is suited to the christmas occasion... now I only need to wear green and I'm good to go.

I went back to work on Wednesday. Tuesday was spent sleeping the time away, catching up on the sleep I was deprived of all weekend. Granted, it was a very good break after my exams. Managed to do a spot of frivolous shopping and going out and basically having a ball of a time. Many thanks to Adeline for spending the time at home with me. Now is also the time to call the various people I have neglected over the past one month...

Work on Wednesday was surprisingly busy. But I don't feel the trepidation or fear of failure when I get a new piece of work anymore. Thankfully the feeling has come and gone. My senses are still quite sharpened after mugging hard at law for the exams. And I haven't lost it so quickly yet, unlike the last time. Maybe I'm feeling this way because my pupil master is on holiday. The firm is somewhat empty... but in a good way. Everyone is in a better mood now. Less yelling, more smiling, more standing around in corners joking.

The pupils' room is more subdued this time though. I think we are all adjusting to being back at work for good. There is no longer the excuse of a 6 month holiday anymore. We know that this time it is for real. And there are huge pockets of silence where all of us are busy processing, thinking, slogging... No more tossing of paper from one end of the room into the waste paper basket and placing bets. No more stupid riddles. There haven't been suggestions of any mass-pupil dinners yet. I miss some of the pupils who have left for JLC. Things are a tad different now.

On a more positive note, the nice auntie in the pantry still makes the best coffee! The kind with the layer of condensed milk that makes squiggly swirls on the coffee surface... And she digs up the best Marks and Spencer cookies for us! Another positive thing is that I'm actually working in a team on something that I'm getting excited about! Confidentiality aside, maybe this big project will stir up some passion in me for this profession... ... and for the right reasons!

If all fails this week, there is the Christmas lunch on thursday, the half day on Friday and the Christmas weekend!!!

oi sleeping beauty

caught Oi Sleeping Beauty on saturday, and Rent during the exam week. I think I prefer the latter, but I feel bad that the response for the latter was so lacklustre. It was at less than 50% attendance on that Wednesday night. Considering it was only in Singapore for a week, it was such a shame. I was upgraded to the few 15 rows and the view was SPECTACULAR.

The cast took some time to warm up. Every performer derives energy from the audience so that was understandable, but they got into the momentum really quickly. I loved the chorus which chimed the "Christimas time" jingle. And the lesbian performer monologue. And 525,600 minutes. And "Won't you Like My Candle". The main actor, Roger, was refreshing in his cute nerd persona. The choreography was seamless. I love the musicals which don't require the use of dialogue without music. There was a musical theme running through the 3 hr musical. It was great. Next musical to watch: West Side Story...

Oi Sleeping Beauty started out well... but it was odd that the Sleeping Beauty storyline ended at the intermission and we wondered what was to come. Turns out that there was another National Education swipe at the PAP and the government and Singapore in general. Just like the Dim Sum Dollies. Funny as the jokes were, it got too draggy at the end. And it was disheartening that most of the interaction with the audience was with the Caucasian kids in the front few rows. Where is the Singaporean contribution???

Post exams

Many interesting things happened during the exam period... I'm busy surfing, watching tv, msn-ing as I type.

My family left for a 2 week sojourn in Las Vegas... without me for once. When they first left, the house was quiet. Too quiet. The silence was too loud. Far too loud. I could hear myself think too clearly.

Exams:
I took the cab twice to Victoria School for exams... On both occasions, I was in a Christian driver's cab. The first time, I had hopped on after wrangling the cab back from someone who tried to cut the queue. I basically yelled my head off at him in indignance, only to come in to find verses staring me from all directions. Then I felt bad. But it was comforting to regain peace before I entered the exam hall.

I don't think the exams went as well as it could have. But I don't think the odds of me failing are that high... It's taking sheer effort to think positive about going back to work. But I'll have to try. The day is fast approaching and I'm actually scared. Too many fears are coming to the fore.. and the more I think about it the more fearful I am about how my walk with God will be and how I will juggle my time. Free time is so so precious. Prioritising is an issue I'll have to deal with. And I'm not very good at it.

Marathon:
Before the marathon on Sunday, I was actually sick. My nose started to run and I had the worst appetite. But at that point, there was no way I could give up. I would have spent the whole year kicking myself.

We went to marche to carbo load... That was a great time to eat tons of rosti and bread and baked potato...
On sunday itself, I met up with Zach and located Weehow in the crowd after looking for him for ages. It was a great start. It was cool and everyone was hyped up. We passed some very interesting runners, like the 2 bra-wearing Breast Cancer Foundation advocates, who joked around with us for a bit. Or the man who wrote "Even wise men seek Jesus" on his back(we had to run right behind him and peer closely at his back before we got the handwriting). Then there was the awful spectator, the man who said "Hey it's not big walk, it's a marathon".

At about the 10km mark, I turned around and couldn't find zach. So wee how and I went on. Must say that he's a gentleman. He won't throw the bottles at the side of the road like everyone else. He'd finish it and then look around for a dustbin. And he would thank every supporter at the side of the road. I don't think this is an OBS-Instructor trained type of enthusiasm. But he's a sincere guy and I must say I learnt quite a bit from him.

I lost him at about the 34 km mark after his leg cramped up a bit. Then I went on... I think I was really on a roll.. felt really good and hyper throughout the run. And then, at the 37 km mark, an excruciating pain suddenly shot up my ankle. I had to half limp and half drag myself for about 4 km. It was at the last km that I decided to abandon all inhibitions and just go for it... Did it in 5h23 min!!!

I haven't done any exercise since then. My leg hurt and my cold hit me with full force after that. But I don't regret it ONE BIT... Maybe I'll do it again next yr!!

Big Move:
yup the church finally moved... Expo was bustling on sunday. City harvest was in hall 8 and 9. We were in hall 9 and 10. It was very very surreal. Haha... I have to admit that city harvest people are more spiffily dressed. And they are ON THE BALL. Their service starts way later than ours, but by 830, they were forming long lines outside their hall making their way in slowly and surely. As for our church members? They were more disparate and scattered. It made me feel bad.

Adeline and I were so stoned the whole weekend! I think we stayed up all night crapping, such that Sunday just went by in a blur. Both of us moving in auto mode. None of us really thinking or caring how we looked. In this church friend's words, we "looked horrible". I hope other sundays won't be so tiring. After that, we went to HK cafe and then met up with weiqing at my house to go to Serangoon Gardens for ANOTHER MEAL... Must say that the post-exams plans went really really well... Couldn't meet up with everyone, but I'll be spacing it out!!

Mugging keeps me in a very dull passive mode. I breathe, eat, sleep law. I don't think about anything else, except for the times when I seek divine intervention... Everthing else stands still or takes a back seat until I'm ready to face them again. Mealtimes out of the library are my only reprieve. Usually I'm fuelled by the idea that once the exams end, I'll be setting off for some exotic locale. Well, not this time!!! The parents and the sister are doing the setting off without me. This time, I'll be looking forward to returning to A&G... Woohoo!

It's not normal that I am thinking of returning to the firm as the end of life as I know it. It's like a death knell. Walking the green mile. I'm usually optimistic. Why am I feeling so much inertia and fear at this new chapter? Shouldn't I be feeling excited instead?

At the same time as these, came some doubts. Some personal doubts independent of my career woes. I can't dispel it. I hate having them. And it makes me numb. And it makes me question my God and what He has planned for me. And it makes me hate myself.

Trishaw Uncle

Walking towards the bus stop at Macpherson, I took my usual route, which meant crossing a small lane where the famous prawn noodle shop was and towards the little mama shop on the other side of the street. It was raining and I had my umbrella. Just then, the usual neighbourhood trishaw rider trundled down the road.

I've always seen him around, a grey-haired tanned man - not skinny, usual sized, v well-groomed with gelled back hair, with a gentlemanly air and a comb stuck at the back of his pants. He doesn't look like the typical trishaw-riding uncle, with his rather stately air. He pedals this bicycle with a slow purposeful momentum, and on other days, I catch him making small-talk with the womenfolk who ride home from the market. Today he's wearing a transparent raincoat, and no one seems interested in riding his trishaw. For some reason, this chance meeting made me pause, more so than when we usually cross paths. How many clients does he get in a day? This is a well-groomed, refined-looking man who I can imagine sitting in a room discussing calligraphy and books. And then I started to wonder about his background - Is this a hobby? Is this a much-needed job? Do his children support him? What is behind this face that I often see?

Salsa!!!

Heh I was a bit tentative when P asked me to go to Union Square... Every salsa enthusiast has waxed lyrical about the club and how it's a great place to schmooze and pick up some dance skills. But that's exactly why I was hesitant. It's been wat, 5 months since I last danced? And the last time I did it was in a crowded dance floor full of sweaty hot people in Chinatown... haha

Ok I'm not giving Xenbar enough credit, but I don't think it's a good place to get a gd grasp of the dance. It's like an SDU hangout full of older people and hardly any space to try anything new. Plus, there isn't anyone to really guide you properly.

Union Square was really fun! Headed down with P and managed to drag Serene there... We arrived pretty early at about 9ish. The place looks slightly bengish, and the music wasn't really that hot. Salsa music has so much potential to be sizzling, but somehow I didn't get the hot vibe in the place. Nonetheless, the dancers made up for it in full... Watching the women twirl and the men gyrate, my gosh, they are all so good! And there are so many different styles.. completely mind-boggling. I didn't dare step out until I mentally practised some of the basic moves first. Then I danced with some very obliging and ACCOMMODATING guys. ACCOMMODATING is the key word here, cos they are nice enough to stoop to my level... haha. And usually, when I have finished my turn with them, I would later observe them dancing very expertly with someone else, wondering why I never saw them display the same sizzling moves when they were dancing with me... hahahaha. A truly cringe-worthy moment.

BUT, it's still fun!!!! I picked up some stuff, and now I realise how important a good partner can be! Some of them do it so effortlessly that it doesn't matter whether u've tried the move before. You can just move with the flow. I saw a couple of familiar faces, but that's about it. MUST PICK UP SALSA AGAIN!!!!!!

Insomnia

I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning in my bed all night. Trying to get into a settled calm state. Failing miserably. My mind is racing with plans for tomorrow, and the stress of wanting to wake up at 5am the next day to train. 30km to go and no sleep yet. I can feel the seconds racing away in my quest to find rest. How ironic.

I'm Jesslyn and I'm an Insomniac. Lately I only sleep when it comes naturally to me, around 4am. I know I have to sleep when the words on my book become hazy and I cannot concentrate. I don't usually switch off the lights and wait for sleep to befall. Until today.

I can't sleep. There are many reasons why... The day's events have been racing through my mind. Thoughts of the conversations that have happened today. Trying to analyse why exactly my sister and I always fight. It's sometimes me... And it's sometimes her, even if she may insist otherwise. Why do we always drive each other crazy? The memory of her voice makes me so incensed I feel like throwing something against the wall. It's this deep anger, this raging wrath at the thought of the many many times that I simply cannot quell. Every time I try to be rational and cool-headed, she will misunderstand my 'calm' and it will backfire on me. Every time she says something, it will just sound like a provocation and it'll pique me further. There doesn't seem to be room for compromise. And this bugs me. It's the layers of history that we share... and the underlying similarities and differences of our makeup. The conversations just run on and on like on shuffle mode. Each time I get angry again. I'm so tired.

I can't sleep, guilty because I haven't been spending time at home. I'm always on the go, doing something. When I'm home, my thoughts are far away. I get distracted. Are my priorities wrong? I think I'm being selfish. But how much of my self should I give? I have been impervious and probably cold to the people who love me. But I rarely notice it until it's too late.

I can't sleep because I'm trying to make a decision. It seems trivial, but I need to know how much of a repercussion it has on my relationship with God. Am I feeling guilty because it really impacts my ability to obey Him? Or am I succumbing because someone is trying to make me feel obligated to go?

Am I also drifting away from this God who has been so good to me? I was just flipping the recent issue of TIME and my eye caught this pic of a woman who has just passed away, eaten by AIDS and tuberculosis, her eyes half open and her head caressed by a relative. Her son is staring down at this worn, weatherbeaten face, once familiar and yet foreign because she is no longer there. My priorities have been so screwed. Where is God in the midst of such poverty, disease and evil? I want to believe. But it's so easy for me to believe because the world I know is good. People are beautiful, healthy, rich, smart... Things are going so well for me. This woman and her son are from another universe.

I can't sleep because I feel stressed. The exams are looming and I have no clue where to start. Forming an exam timetable in my head and mentally crossing out dates where I'll be occupied. I have a children's church encounter camp one weekend, cell group on thursdays, lindy hop on tuesdays, training for the marathon...

Pics

We are trying to look pissed.. but apparently I only look sleepy. Watch choi put on her 'teacher is angry' face.



OK, we are finally looking normal after doing some random stupid things. Like this:

We are pretending to admire the scenery...

I'm really putting these pics up because I just uploaded like 5 months worth of pics from my SD card... And I just found out that half my Europe pics are missing, cos they are in another SD card which has been misplaced!! It's somewhere in my sister's room, or so my dad reckons. And it's pissing me off a tad...

More pics!!!


These are my Sec 4 classmates. We just had a reunion recently and we realised how much we are all still the same people. At 16, some aspects of your character are already entrenched. I wonder what I'd be like if I were in another school. I like the person I have become, although there are so many things I would change. I didn't think that I would be this way when I'm 23. I thought I would be... wiser? More mature? More confident? But overall, yup, I think I'm satisfied.